FATTACA, Moonshine, RIP Bigfoot, and of course Florida Man
Photo courtesy Mo Juenger
Jair Bolsonaro wakes up in an emotional state and leads to wild theories.
After the governor of Nairobi announced that the city would provide residents with a bottle of Hennessy in their 2020 COVID-19 aid packages, Cincinnati Mayor John Cranley added that they would be providing a definitive aid package in April this year for the entire city. The aid package consists of five blunt compresses and a moonlight pitcher (March 23).
The famous Newswire-recommended Fat Bear competition has been suspended as scientists experiment with new technology to modify the ursin gene to make bears even fatter. Researchers call the effort “FATTACA” (March 24th).
New York has updated its guidelines for safe sex during the pandemic. No sex. None at all. What ever. Not after Cuomo (March 25th).
The Xavier administrators have safely returned from a trip to the southern border where they pointed things out with Senator Ted Cruz, R-Texas (March 25).
Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro, who was bitten by an emu this summer, was caught half-naked and covered in feathers with his head buried in the sand. Bolsonaro, found under a full moon at midnight, claims he cannot remember how he got there in the first place (March 26).
Xavier announced a new advertising contract. If you get pregnant in a dormitory, your future child will get half of the class. If it was a threesome, the lessons are completely free (March 27th).
Burger 513 mimicked Taco Bell’s Jalapeno Noir and Chalupa wine pairing and announced that they will also offer drink pairings. With their chicken tenders, they recommend a $ 13 warm, semi-finished Naturday Lite served in a red solo mug (March 28th).
Photo courtesy Mo Juenger
Burger 513 offers a new drink pairing, and it’s bloody disgusting.
After the Ever Given ship broke away from the Suez Canal, the United Nations and the Swiss government met to determine a course of action. At a meeting entitled “Geneva Convention Two: Electric Boogaloo”, the groups decided to ban all boats internationally (March 29).
Oklahoma lawmakers lost millions of dollars after introducing a bounty for Bigfoot weeks ago. Doctors confirmed that Bigfoot had died in a Las Vegas hotel room with a copy of Hustler at his feet. His family asks the mourners to donate flowers to Larry Flynt’s estate (March 30).
Florida Man was arrested after plowing through Biden billboards on a ride-on mower with an alligator and his toddler in the back seat (March 31)